Fear of falling

I'm afraid to let go.  I have a walker and I have such a fear of falling that I won't let go and try using a cane again.  Yet, sometimes I forget my walker and walk unaided, then I remember I have nothing to hold onto and I panic.  I panic and stand still right then and there -- and hope I don't fall while I'm waiting to get myself straightened out mentally and look for my walker.  I walk around holding onto each piece of furniture along the way.

On the other hand...I have made, what I consider to be a lot of progress since I left Forest Hills Care Center.

I loved Alissa, the occupational therapist assigned to me.  She was terrific and she taught me quite a bit about how to exercise slowly and carefully, and if it hurt to decide whether I wanted to hurt myself, since I had two badly broken bones in my wrist, or stop, wait, and think.  Was what I was doing a helpful hurt or a harmful hurt? 

There are at least two kinds of hurts I discovered in therapy.

The hurt I got in physical therapy was, in my opinion, hurtful hurt.  I say this because when I came home I only used the wheelchair we have for 20 minutes then I got up, used my walker and used it improperly, I'm sure, but I didn't used the wheelchair again.  And everyday for the five days after I got home until the state of KY sent a physical therapist to take care of me, I got better and better, and so by the time he got here, I knew what to do, he knew I knew what to do, and he didn't have to stay with me for very long. 

He didn't bother with the hand/arm at all.  Just let me hang it down or lift it up, or rest it across my chest (if it hurt), and I went from there.  In fact, there are days when it hurts pretty bad still, and it feels like the screws are trying to get out from under my skin.  I know that is in my imagination, but there it is.

I wish I could remember his name, because he was such a good therapist, not that the PTs at Forest Hills weren't, they were, but they pushed me in the wrong direction, when I was telling them what I needed to be able to do when I got home, they were going by the book.  Sorry, but you can't always go by the book.  Sometimes there are instances when the patient knows better what he/she needs that the therapist does.  And, of course, I rebelled, which didn't help any.  I really feel sorry for the physical therapists who were assigned to me this time.  I wasn't a good patient at all even though I really, really wanted to be. 

Pain does things to a person that people who have never had pain don't understand.  I had to push through terrible fibromyalgia pain because the therapists had a time schedule and there were no sick days for the sick people at Forest Hills Care Center.  :)

Anyway within one week after my release I was sitting and standing unaided, with the walker right in front of me.  I could get myself up without using my hands.

Now for the real reason for this memo, or whatever you want to call it:

I cooked a wonderful Christmas dinner without any help, except from Stovetop, Kroger Cherry Pie Filling, and Birds Eye frozen corn.  I made a chirkey (that's what I call  a roasting chicken that tastes like a turkey.  I have learned how to spice up some butter to put between the skin of the bird and the bird itself which changes the taste of the chicken to taste somewhat like a turkey.  Anyway, it was delicious, and I had enough left over to make my annual pot of soup!

I made a cherry pie just before I started the dinner.  A bit late, I know, but it was still warm by the time we had dessert and the ice cream melted over it, just like in a restaurant. 

Alan and I ate alone on Christmas night, and the dinner was really, really good.  And...I made it myself.  It was my first large effort at cooking a lot of dishes all at once and then putting them on two plates, artfully arranged, instead of just slopped on the plate, and God sure did bless us and our food on Christmas night. 

And, oh yeah, I did it without my walker.  But I do have a galley kitchen so I didn't let go of the counter on one side without have a touch of the counter on the other side.

I think that's about all from this end for now.

ttfn